velocityofsaul | text volley } { oh, brother of mine

Damon: This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabilities. Time slots begin at noon.

Stefan: No, Damon. The answer is no.

Damon: In your case it should read “send me your availables”.

Stefan: And what makes you think I have any “availables”?

Damon: You know what, Stefan, you’re right. Why would anyone think you did?

Stefan: Go find a sorority to compel, Damon. Leave the people who actually know you alone.

Damon: Now is that any way to treat your brother on his birthday?

Stefan: I’m going to be leaving you alone, Damon. You should consider that gift enough.

Damon: I think I might go visit Elena.

Stefan: And do what with her, exactly? She isn’t an available.

Damon: Because YOU turned her into a lesbian. Thanks a lot.

Stefan: I did not turn her into a lesbian, Damon.

Damon: Did too, STEFAN, and if you hadn’t, maybe I wouldn’t be sending out mass texts. Bonnie says hi, by the way.

Stefan: You would be sending out mass texts regardless of Elena’s sexual orientation. Tell her hello for me.

Damon: I’m giving them an opportunity to come to me, and if they don’t, THEN I’ll find a sorority. You should be congratulating me on my growth as a person.

Stefan: Congratulations, Damon, you’ve graduated from complete disregard for people’s free will, to only when their free will isn’t going your way. How could I have ever misjudged you?

Damon: And the younger brother was self-righteous once again, and all was right with the world. ;)

Stefan: ... Did you seriously just use an emoticon?

Damon: It punctuates my words. Literally.

Stefan: It’s a little scary that you’re that in tune with the world.

Damon: Yes, Stefan, terrifying. No wonder the women hide their daughters from me. Or they want me all to themselves, but I digress.

Stefan: I think it’s more often the hiding than the wanting.

Damon: You know you’re the only male on my list to take my proposition seriously? I wonder what that says about you.

Stefan: Maybe I’m just the one who knows you well enough to know that you ARE serious.

Damon: I think someone needs to throw you back in your cage, BROTHER. You’re still hallucinating.

Stefan: I’m not hallucinating. I just know you. We have been brothers for over a hundred and sixty years.

Damon: Are we really arguing about this? Go chase a rabbit or whatever it is you were doing.

Stefan: Fine. Don’t do anything stupid, Damon.

Damon: You know I will. ;)